re:size

when i'm faced with big problems it seems as if the world shrinks. at least something happens to the size of one thing relative to another. the grey sky above is endless, a huge curved canopy made by ancient giants. the distance to the people i need to be with in order to feel safe/sane/silly is measured by numbers so gargantuan that i cannot even begin to fathom their meaning. time slows down.
and in between grey sky, long distance, and slow dripping time, my world is suddenly small. XS. the smallness is claustrophobic as i of course still know that the "real" world is just as big & beautiful as always.

i don't know if this is making any sense... but i know the feeling so well. apart from the "oh, no...." whatever-the-problem-is, there is also the "oh, no, now my world will shrink again".
when everything is good, you notice that woman smiling across the street. you feel the sun shine on your face. you remember to eat the fruit / water the plants / go to the gym / kiss your loved ones / look at the tree...... in short: you'll remember to do whatever makes you happy when you're already good. which is kind of ironic as it is obviously even more important to do those things when you're not.
so, i forget the good things. a lot of the time feels like routine (the sleeping-eating-breathing part) and the rest is spent worrying over that tiny little world that i presently inhabit.
i know! here i go again, complaining & moaning. it's just that i have not learnt how to look out over my own nose when faced with difficulties. and not knowing where i'll live in the quickly approaching new year is just too big for me to swallow.

[the pictures? just here to show my trouble with measurements these days. very, very small vehicles, no?]